Category Archives: attempts at humor
The Orange Cat
“A strange cat was in our kitchen when we got home from the store,” Kate says. She puts three glasses of water on the table and goes to help Josie, who keeps squirming off her chair. “I was worried we’d
The Orange Cat
“A strange cat was in our kitchen when we got home from the store,” Kate says. She puts three glasses of water on the table and goes to help Josie, who keeps squirming off her chair. “I was worried we’d
the first day
Teacher (poses with her props—a stack of papers, a tweedy blazer, and a pair of reading glasses—behind the lectern at the front of the room): Hello class, and welcome to AP English. Student (a beefy boy at the back of
the first day
Teacher (poses with her props—a stack of papers, a tweedy blazer, and a pair of reading glasses—behind the lectern at the front of the room): Hello class, and welcome to AP English. Student (a beefy boy at the back of
Elevator
They’re on the elevator on the third floor, trying to get to the fourth. He pushes the button for the basement, realizes his mistake, and hits the button for four. Only the basement button lights up. She says, “That’s the
Elevator
They’re on the elevator on the third floor, trying to get to the fourth. He pushes the button for the basement, realizes his mistake, and hits the button for four. Only the basement button lights up. She says, “That’s the
orgasm
(body talk #9) I want to write about orgasm, but the words keep squirming on the page. I write something and it flops around making sad wet noises, looking for someplace to hide. I can write about orgasm fictitiously, hypothetically,
orgasm
(body talk #9) I want to write about orgasm, but the words keep squirming on the page. I write something and it flops around making sad wet noises, looking for someplace to hide. I can write about orgasm fictitiously, hypothetically,
eating crow (making friends with crows #22)
You should see what I do with chicken. Some might say it’s almost beautiful: buy whole, brine, roast, eat, reconfigure & serve again, boil for broth, put the bones in the compost and take the rest outside for the crows to
eating crow (making friends with crows #22)
You should see what I do with chicken. Some might say it’s almost beautiful: buy whole, brine, roast, eat, reconfigure & serve again, boil for broth, put the bones in the compost and take the rest outside for the crows to
gaps
Possible ways to explain these cavernous gaps in my work history: It’s my kids’ fault. My husband had me chained to the bed/stove/bird feeder. I wasn’t “unemployed,” I was “exercising my typing muscles,” “honing my internet expertise,” and “updating my
gaps
Possible ways to explain these cavernous gaps in my work history: It’s my kids’ fault. My husband had me chained to the bed/stove/bird feeder. I wasn’t “unemployed,” I was “exercising my typing muscles,” “honing my internet expertise,” and “updating my
danger to myself
I was writing the other day when I heard that familiar sound of the street cleaner outside my door. The prospect of getting a $49 parking ticket for not moving my car is like a drooling vulture hanging over my
danger to myself
I was writing the other day when I heard that familiar sound of the street cleaner outside my door. The prospect of getting a $49 parking ticket for not moving my car is like a drooling vulture hanging over my
writer seeking master
What I’m looking for: An editor with fingers permanently stained with ink, the perspective of a hilltop hermit, a mind like a steel katana, the jaws of a pit bull, and eyes that burn like branding irons to help me
writer seeking master
What I’m looking for: An editor with fingers permanently stained with ink, the perspective of a hilltop hermit, a mind like a steel katana, the jaws of a pit bull, and eyes that burn like branding irons to help me
bio: how to
A few of the agents I’m querying want to see a bio. The author’s bio is only about a paragraph long but don’t let its size fool you. Approach with a machete and a stiff upper lip. There will be
bio: how to
A few of the agents I’m querying want to see a bio. The author’s bio is only about a paragraph long but don’t let its size fool you. Approach with a machete and a stiff upper lip. There will be
server error
Determined to give this last-chance-effort thing a fighting chance, I awoke this morning and sent a query letter to an agent first thing. I figured if I did it before I had my tea, I wouldn’t really notice what I
server error
Determined to give this last-chance-effort thing a fighting chance, I awoke this morning and sent a query letter to an agent first thing. I figured if I did it before I had my tea, I wouldn’t really notice what I
what i asked for
Every time I say the words “my” and “novel” in the same sentence, my novel hogties me to the bed and teaches me a lesson with a dull pencil: Take that, you pretentious twirp. So today, instead of trying to
what i asked for
Every time I say the words “my” and “novel” in the same sentence, my novel hogties me to the bed and teaches me a lesson with a dull pencil: Take that, you pretentious twirp. So today, instead of trying to
paper cuts
Today, I have had it up to here with my effing novel. If I was walking down the street and I saw my novel walking toward me, I’d run down an alley and bury myself in a dumpster. I
paper cuts
Today, I have had it up to here with my effing novel. If I was walking down the street and I saw my novel walking toward me, I’d run down an alley and bury myself in a dumpster. I
teaching snails to fly
writing is… standing on stage with your skirt up over your head. they approach, wielding sharpies: flabby, they write. cut this. question mark. the click of a camera shutter. all talk, no show. all show, no tell. on your knees
teaching snails to fly
writing is… standing on stage with your skirt up over your head. they approach, wielding sharpies: flabby, they write. cut this. question mark. the click of a camera shutter. all talk, no show. all show, no tell. on your knees
An Aha (HahahaWaaah!) Moment
Recently, I have found myself doing something I have no word for. Maybe the word doesn’t exist or maybe I just don’t know it. Perhaps you could help me figure this out. Example #1: I’m at the park with
An Aha (HahahaWaaah!) Moment
Recently, I have found myself doing something I have no word for. Maybe the word doesn’t exist or maybe I just don’t know it. Perhaps you could help me figure this out. Example #1: I’m at the park with
bomb
It happened again. When will I ever learn? This is how it usually goes: I accidentally spill some jam on the floor, so I bend over to wipe it up and while I’m down there, I notice all the other
bomb
It happened again. When will I ever learn? This is how it usually goes: I accidentally spill some jam on the floor, so I bend over to wipe it up and while I’m down there, I notice all the other
picking cherries (Happy V Day)
It was a special occasion: the first Valentine’s Day since my second child’s birth and my husband wanted me to have a treat. “How about a spa day?” he said. “Don’t women like that sort of thing?” What the hell,
picking cherries (Happy V Day)
It was a special occasion: the first Valentine’s Day since my second child’s birth and my husband wanted me to have a treat. “How about a spa day?” he said. “Don’t women like that sort of thing?” What the hell,
girl in the hat 