wish list

(image courtesy xdesx)

(image courtesy xdesx)

After 9 pm I just can’t think any more. I can’t read or write and I don’t even feel like talking. I just want to be entertained, but we’re all caught up on Dexter, True Blood, Breaking Bad, The Misfits, Weeds, Madmen, AND Downtown Abbey. So what’s a person to do?

Online shopping. Sad but true. All I have energy for is looking at stuff online. Shopping is always rather brainless but I’m taking dumb a step further. In terms of intellectual activity, this is the lowest of the low. I’m using only the most primal part of my brain, the part cavewomen used for picking the maggots out of the meat or fleas off her husband’s hairy back.

When I’m trolling the internet for a good hippocampal buzz, I never buy things, I just look, but the more I look, the more I regress. Evidence of my deterioration can be seen in the items on my wish list. Here’s a sample:

frida earringsEarrings that look like they must have belonged to Frida Kahlo. I imagine myself wearing these earrings against hair that is suddenly long, black, and glossy. Some dark, handsome man wants to dance with me, but I cannot, no no no no, because as you can see when I pull back my shawl, my torso is covered in a body-cast painted with fantastic pictures. “Lo siento,” I tell him. “No puedo tango.” His dark eyes look sad as he kisses my hand. (These earrings are so big they would probably rip my ears off but remember, this is all in my head.)

eve platesSet of 8 coasters, each with a different picture on it, and when you arrange them just so, you’ll find an image of Eve reclining with a snake and an apple. These are plates you don’t eat off of, plates you hang on a wall or set in some precious display, the epitome of uselessness and decadence, I admit, but would you want to serve an hors d’oeuvre on Eve’s nether regions? (Well, I guess it depends on what kind of party you’re giving.)

bottleA bottle with a sculpture inside allegedly done by a prisoner of war. Which war, I wonder, and was it made in prison or later? I guess sculpture-in-a-bottle is an interesting way to pass the time if you’re cooped up or suffering from PTSD. If I bought this, every time I looked at it I’d be filled with curiosity.viking glasses

Oh, now I get it, I guess that’s why they call them curios.

9 tiny crystal glasses etched with sailing ships on rolling ocean. When drinking from these, you channel viking spirits. After a couple shots, I might stand on my chair and recite The Drunken Boat by Rimbaud.

troll horseA vintage danish troll horse just like the one I had as a kid. At first glance it’s damn ugly but the longer I look, the cuter it gets, bird bookuntil I just want to carry it around with me in my pocket at all times so I can pull it out whenever I want a good giggle.

An old field guide of birds that’s been repurposed, folded, scissored, and collaged into a piece of pop-up art about birds. Don’t think too long about art vs. science, just enjoy.

mushroom

Set of three hand-blown glass mushrooms. Who doesn’t like mushrooms? My husband air plantdoesn’t, that’s who.

An air plant. It’s a plant that does not need dirt. All you have to do is squirt it occasionally with a mister.  This works for me on so many levels.

mug faceItalian coffee mug with a smiley face painted on the side.  Good morning!  Just so freaking cute.octopus

And, lastly, a bright red Oaxacan carved wood octopus.

And now, it’s after 10 pm and I’m exhausted. Truthfully, after 40 years of wanting, 40 years of falling in love with things and then putting them out on the curb after they’ve lost their charm, I don’t want much any more. Having these things on my wish list is not just as good as owning them, it’s better. It’s free. I can visit them any time I want and I never have to dust.

And all I really want is a foot rub.

Happy Holidays to you. I hope you get what you really, really want.

What’s on your wish list?

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About Anna Fonté

Girl in the Hat, aka Anna Fonté, is an author who writes about invisibility, outsider status, everyday monsters, and her attempts to befriend the neighborhood crows. The things she writes want you to look at them.

23 comments

  1. things in bottles. or just empty bottles and boxes. i want those so badly. even the ex by osmosis has caught some of this.

  2. gailytr

    Reblogged this on Optic Nervy.

  3. Mike

    The wish list IS better than owning, I think you are quite right. Thank you for sharing your list so that I can enjoy it too. You are way ahead of me on TV, but other things that I might get to before I die and that you could get to now (or at least after you’ve finished wrapping and unwrapping your wish list) are Homeland, Girls, Game of Thrones, all of which I haven’t seen but hear a lot about, or one that I suspect you may have deliberately missed but that I will stand by, Battlestar Galactica.

    • That’s a great idea, Mike– maybe I’ll instruct my family to wrap things I already own and give those to me instead of new things. Surprise me, I’ll say.

      Girls is at the top of my queue! I’ll go check out the others. I remember liking BG, but it’s been so long I might try it again. Hey— I wonder what Star Trek looks like now…..

  4. I would totally serve an hors d’oeuvre on Eve’s nether regions. Any friend of mine would eat it up.

  5. You’re so much more skilled on internet shopping than I am. I’ve been forever trying to find, a) clothes that wash themselves, b) kids that clean up after themselves, c) a dog that won’t eat the garbage, d) a job from home, and, e) a vacuum cleaner that runs by itself and knows when to do it. And so far no luck! Darn it.

  6. Anna, I love the story that goes with the earrings. I imagine some sort of exotic crow painted on your body cast. Frida Croawhlo…

  7. On my wish list is the latest season’s DVDs of all those shows you mentioned. Plus Damages. And except the Misfits, (which I haven’t seen, but will now have to investigate). Oh, how they make us wait… 🙂

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