Slap on some new-minted cologne,
slick back with a fine-toothed comb,
llck the pearly whites and grab the lectern with both hands.
Lean forward. Lean.
Imagine you’re as big and hard as a microphone.
Picture a room full of pretty girls, strapless and tipsy
it’s prom night and you know how that story ends, baby.
There’s nothing to worry here, happy endings and nothing to hide
(only don’t touch the microphone, you don’t know where it’s been).
Remember, your smile is your best defense
an eloquent answer, your blinking alibi, stretched tighter than a teflon condom,
and finest offense as well: pepper the crowd up and down, side to side, until your sincerity has touched them deeply, each and every.
Take the tone of a kindergarten teacher reading aloud. Father Christmas interpreting scripture for happy idiots. You could talk the panties off a dead girl if you tried.
Just don’t take no for an answer.
Thank those you owe, then cite some historical figures
Roll them around in your mouth.
(But don’t touch the microphone–it looks too much like a you-know-what.)
Call people folks. Define us and them. Talk about bootstraps, integrity, equality, freedom, peace, and making tough choices. Slide your tongue around these sounds and swallow. Make them part of you.
Shake your head while you promise and smile when you disagree.
Lean close to the mic but don’t touch (think African-American; think homosexual). Think of no as an invitation to lean harder.
Remember to say it like you mean it. Remember: If you believe it, then it’s true to you.
Are you as nauseated by politics as I am?
Does anyone else feel like women’s rights have an imminent appointment for a late-term abortion?
What is going on here?
(Click HERE to hear Regina Spektor’s wonderful song The Ballad of the Politician— it takes a moment to get going but it’s worth it!)