I have just returned from an extended vacation with my family. It feels like some crazy mommy hijacked my body and took me for a joy ride. They finally found it abandoned by the side of the road and brought it home. Now I’m dealing with mysterious stains and detritus and a trunkful of dirty laundry.
I have not written a word for almost three weeks. Hello there! Nice to see you again! No, I’m not dead, just a little dazed and dented. Thanks for noticing!
It may take awhile to recover and in the meantime, I’d like to share some of the search terms readers used to find my blog (WordPress has all kinds of nifty gadgets to help me be a better blogger). Here is a partial list of search terms from this past week which I have rearranged. I offer it to you here as a kind of found poem:
girl in a hat
girl with knife behind her back man with flowers leaning in for a kiss
a woman from below
how to make friends with a crow
glass balls tied in rope
club lads spanking
fight club
screwed girls, girls screwed
paper dolls
plain girl with a toaster up her butt
porno arcimboldo
mud bathing
what are some dirty parts of a girl?
what would water do?
train station busker vintage
man sitting in a busy indian train station
fuck delta, fuck airlines, fucked airlines girls
get me the phone hat
at dinner with girl, should I skip dessert?
Wow. Obviously, many of my so-called readers are looking for something else (that’s right: if you’re looking for porn, I’m afraid you’ve come to the wrong place—but hey, thanks for coming!). If I knew that calling myself the “girl in the hat” would imply that’s all that I’m wearing, I would have called myself “The Girl in the Hat and Other Tasteful Items of Clothing” or maybe “Woman Who Used to Be Hot But Now Looks Like Your Mother in a Hat,” although those certainly lack panache. Maybe I was subconsciously trying to seem young and sexy and hip? Which makes me wonder why did I have to drop the f-bomb in that story I wrote? (Yes, it’s true. I swear like a mΩ↑∏erFµ©≤er and I really ought to stop.)
I certainly do attract a horny crowd. But I will also certainly never be spot-lit on Freshly Pressed. Oh, well. The kids’ school has almost started: stay tuned for non-fluffy real writing soon!
girl in the hat 
Love what you do with those 26 letters. And I see you threw in a couple of extras this time. Welcome back.
Thanks, Virginia. Glad to be back!
Funny! Lovely to have you back 🙂
Hi, Munira! Long time, no read!
Welcome back, and good luck with all that laundry! 😉
Thank you! It’s like a giant muppet took a crap on my house. Look forward to catching up with you! 😉
I love how you put that poem together! A work of art from scraps of other people’s thoughts, and some true weirdness! (People have also found me through some doozies — though not as dizzyingly doozyish as yours!)
I long for a joy ride… I’m glad you got to take one! 🙂
Thanks, Lady Sparks! I find that search-term feature of WordPress quite humbling– just when I start to think I’m doing it right I realize that what I did was use several words which, when rearranged, might add up to something salacious. We should write down the really good ones, shouldn’t we?
Welcome back and thanks for the giant laugh that I needed today, and got, by reading the “Woman who used to be hot but now looks like your mother in a hat” line. Not to mention “plain girl with a toaster up her butt”. If I were a woman, I’d want to change my blog name to that, I think.
Wait a minute–I just noticed that you “tweet” now–I’m slow, but doesn’t that imply that you now have a cell phone? I don’t believe I know you any more.
Does your house seem smaller, and somehow LESS, than it did before you went on vacation, or is that just a “coming back home from college” thing, that we grow out of? I try to unload the car ASAP, after a trip, and get everything put away right away so that it doesn’t seem like I’m just visiting this strange-seeming place that I guess I live in. Beer helps too.
My two cents, Sir – about the tweeting bit – I’ll have you know that it’s more than possible to tweet from one’s computer! That’s the only way I do it!
Thank you, “Sparks”, and it doesn’t surprise me one bit to find out how technologically impaired I am!
What I want to know is, who is looking for a plain girl with a toaster up her butt? I want to meet this person and ask a couple questions. I think there must be a story in there somewhere, know what I mean?!
I still don’t have a cell phone. As Lady Sparks kindly verified, it is possible to do it from one’s computer but I must admit that I tweet half-heartedly. I still don’t get it.
You’re absolutely right about the house. It seemed small and dirty and it smelled bad. What’s up with that? Pour me a glass of wine and we’ll figure this thing out.
And not just any girl but a plain girl – ha! the rarified tastes of the human race! And can any girl who prefers to keep a toaster in such a place be expected to be plain. Okay I am now beginning to think about this too much!
Tee heee. Don’t think about it too long, Sam. Once you go there, it’s hard to get out again (and no matter what you say, it just sounds wrong!).
I am just now tring to learn those catagories and tags – my sight is
an eyesour – I have menu options that lead nowhere and can’t figure
out how to organise them – I do have one though. I am the yarn tree,
ku ku catchoo!
Go to Blog>Site Stats>see Search Engine Terms (see option to view search terms for the week). Loved that thing you did with the yarn tree– I mentioned it on Twitter. What’s this about your sight?
“club lads spanking”
I do believe your readers lead rather a thrilling life!
Wait…’mysterious stains’? That sounds kind of thrilling as well!
Alas, no matter how sexy I try to make it all appear, I’m afraid it’s all just smoke-and-mirrors. My mysterious stains turned out to be grape juice.
Plain girl with a toaster up her butt? Is that even possible?
I do love the plaintive tone of the last one, after all that wacked-out airline fucking and such. I imagine this poor guy at dinner, imagining that the only reason he can’t get a second date is because girls are turned off by his affinity for strawberry shortcake. Adorable.
You’re so nice! Instead of being disgusted, I should be empathetic and imagine a vast crowd of lonely men searching desperately, hopelessly for connection.