(photo thanks to Jan-Roald Johansen)
Ants crawling all over a delicious morsel. That’s what they were like: the trainer, the cosmetologist (or whatever you call the person who fiddles with your skin), the masseuse, the seamstress, the housecleaners, the various assistants and, it would be fair to say, Drew herself, although she tried to suppress that notion while she greeted them at the door, motioned to chairs and fetched drinks. Drew carried her notebook with her, one finger squeezed in to mark the page of questions she wanted to ask Mae when there was time.
A large portion of this chapter has been deleted.
To read more, contact me and we can discuss publication. (!)
anna@girlinthehat.com
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Hello there! Is this chapter as boring as I think it is? I’m trying to convey Drew’s irritation with this long fixation on the surface of things and I’m afraid I’ve overdone it. (Friends: Please excuse me if I seem rather quiet these days. I’m on vacation for two weeks at a spot on a river that has spotty internet connectivity. You’d think that meant more time to write but no, no at all.)
Not boring at all, not for me. I think the reason is that the dialogue is so strong. I like the banter–it’s funny, and seems real to me. (Although I kind of want to slap Lauren. But that’s just me and my buffalo wings, projecting.)
No boredom here – in fact, I feel the irritation since I hear a lot of this kind of chat where I live. I thought a line or two of weight-oriented dialogue could be edited out, but on re-reading this, I think it balances perfectly.
It’s hard for me to rate this, but the characters seem
interesting. I looked through your posts and coulden’t
find any book 1 part 1’s where are they!
God, I love swimming – I push myself in thank you.
Nothing seems to stand out, here, in this chapter
yet. It’s hard to know just how important a chunk
of novel is untill the end is reached. The crack
about swimming is very supporting of the water
theme. Also Mae’s choice of a personal trainer
is very telling – amusing. Drew is very much a
part of Mae’s entourage it seems. People
interested in celibrities and the Holloywood
fantasy – would be your audience here
methinks . . .
When I first read this out of context my
impression was of a bunch of friends
hanging out at the gym, I didden’t care
for it but . . . in context it’s much better.
“What Would Water Do.” It definately
more powerful in context, Directing
your readers to part one was very
smart.
Here is my ranking –
2&4&12B 9 18A 14B 12A 18B 7&16A&16B 14A 15A&15B
11 3B 3A 19A&19B&13 20A 6 10 8&17A&17B&5&1