Category Archives: attempts at humor

(image courtesy Lee Basford)

orgasm

(body talk #9) I want to write about orgasm, but the words keep squirming on the page. I write something and it flops around making sad wet noises, looking for someplace to hide. I can write about orgasm fictitiously, hypothetically,

(image courtesy Lee Basford)

orgasm

(body talk #9) I want to write about orgasm, but the words keep squirming on the page. I write something and it flops around making sad wet noises, looking for someplace to hide. I can write about orgasm fictitiously, hypothetically,

eat shit

eating crow (making friends with crows #22)

You should see what I do with chicken. Some might say it’s almost beautiful: buy whole, brine, roast, eat, reconfigure & serve again, put the bones in the compost and take the rest outside for the crows to pick at. Rest assured,

eat shit

eating crow (making friends with crows #22)

You should see what I do with chicken. Some might say it’s almost beautiful: buy whole, brine, roast, eat, reconfigure & serve again, put the bones in the compost and take the rest outside for the crows to pick at. Rest assured,

(image courtesy David Fullarton)

gaps

Possible ways to explain these cavernous gaps in my work history: It’s my kids’ fault. My husband had me chained to the bed/stove/bird feeder. I wasn’t “unemployed,” I was “exercising my typing muscles,” “honing my internet expertise,” and “updating my

(image courtesy David Fullarton)

gaps

Possible ways to explain these cavernous gaps in my work history: It’s my kids’ fault. My husband had me chained to the bed/stove/bird feeder. I wasn’t “unemployed,” I was “exercising my typing muscles,” “honing my internet expertise,” and “updating my

danger to myself 4

danger to myself

I was writing the other day when I heard that familiar sound of the street cleaner outside my door. The prospect of getting a $49 parking ticket for not moving my car is like a drooling vulture hanging over my

danger to myself 4

danger to myself

I was writing the other day when I heard that familiar sound of the street cleaner outside my door. The prospect of getting a $49 parking ticket for not moving my car is like a drooling vulture hanging over my

emily dickinson edited

writer seeking master

What I’m looking for: An editor with fingers permanently stained with ink, the perspective of a hilltop hermit, a mind like a steel katana, the jaws of a pit bull, and eyes that burn like branding irons to help me

emily dickinson edited

writer seeking master

What I’m looking for: An editor with fingers permanently stained with ink, the perspective of a hilltop hermit, a mind like a steel katana, the jaws of a pit bull, and eyes that burn like branding irons to help me

(image courtesy Alan Mays)

bio: how to

A few of the agents I’m querying want to see a bio. The author’s bio is only about a paragraph long but don’t let its size fool you.  Approach with a machete and a stiff upper lip. There will be

(image courtesy Alan Mays)

bio: how to

A few of the agents I’m querying want to see a bio. The author’s bio is only about a paragraph long but don’t let its size fool you.  Approach with a machete and a stiff upper lip. There will be

(image courtesy Mark Stevenson)

server error

Determined to give this last-chance-effort thing a fighting chance, I awoke this morning and sent a query letter to an agent first thing. I figured if I did it before I had my tea, I wouldn’t really notice what I

(image courtesy Mark Stevenson)

server error

Determined to give this last-chance-effort thing a fighting chance, I awoke this morning and sent a query letter to an agent first thing. I figured if I did it before I had my tea, I wouldn’t really notice what I

(image courtesy Jordan Blanchard)

what i asked for

Every time I say the words “my” and “novel” in the same sentence, my novel hogties me to the bed and teaches me a lesson with a dull pencil: Take that, you pretentious twirp. So today, instead of trying to

(image courtesy Jordan Blanchard)

what i asked for

Every time I say the words “my” and “novel” in the same sentence, my novel hogties me to the bed and teaches me a lesson with a dull pencil: Take that, you pretentious twirp. So today, instead of trying to

girl without hat by Elif Sanem Karakoc

paper cuts

Today, I have had it up to here with my effing novel.   If I was walking down the street and I saw my novel walking toward me, I’d run down an alley and bury myself in a dumpster.  I

girl without hat by Elif Sanem Karakoc

paper cuts

Today, I have had it up to here with my effing novel.   If I was walking down the street and I saw my novel walking toward me, I’d run down an alley and bury myself in a dumpster.  I

writing 2

teaching snails to fly

writing is… standing on stage with your skirt up over your head. they approach, wielding sharpies: flabby, they write. cut this. question mark. the click of a camera shutter. all talk, no show. all show, no tell. on your knees

writing 2

teaching snails to fly

writing is… standing on stage with your skirt up over your head. they approach, wielding sharpies: flabby, they write. cut this. question mark. the click of a camera shutter. all talk, no show. all show, no tell. on your knees

fun house 2

An Aha (HahahaWaaah!) Moment

Recently, I have found myself doing something I have no word for. Maybe the word doesn’t exist or maybe I just don’t know it. Perhaps you could help me figure this out. Example #1:   I’m at the park with

fun house 2

An Aha (HahahaWaaah!) Moment

Recently, I have found myself doing something I have no word for. Maybe the word doesn’t exist or maybe I just don’t know it. Perhaps you could help me figure this out. Example #1:   I’m at the park with

(image courtesy Matt Mawson)

bomb

It happened again.  When will I ever learn? This is how it usually goes: I accidentally spill some jam on the floor, so I bend over to wipe it up and while I’m down there, I notice all the other

(image courtesy Matt Mawson)

bomb

It happened again.  When will I ever learn? This is how it usually goes: I accidentally spill some jam on the floor, so I bend over to wipe it up and while I’m down there, I notice all the other

(image courtesy Sea Moon)

picking cherries (Happy V Day)

It was a special occasion: the first Valentine’s Day since my second child’s birth and my husband wanted me to have a treat. “How about a spa day?” he said. “Don’t women like that sort of thing?”  What the hell,

(image courtesy Sea Moon)

picking cherries (Happy V Day)

It was a special occasion: the first Valentine’s Day since my second child’s birth and my husband wanted me to have a treat. “How about a spa day?” he said. “Don’t women like that sort of thing?”  What the hell,

(image courtesy Chuck Groenink)

The IQ Test (making friends with crows #13)

This is the 13th installment of my friendship with crows.  Click here to start from the beginning.  Watching an excellent PBS documentary about crows, A Murder of Crows, I was intrigued by Anna Braun’s study to test crows’ reasoning abilities. She

(image courtesy Chuck Groenink)

The IQ Test (making friends with crows #13)

This is the 13th installment of my friendship with crows.  Click here to start from the beginning.  Watching an excellent PBS documentary about crows, A Murder of Crows, I was intrigued by Anna Braun’s study to test crows’ reasoning abilities. She

(image courtesy Jayne, nature 55)

Tossing Nuts Out the Window (Making Friends With Crows #11)

While driving my 11-year-old to her before-school chorus class, I spy a solitary crow atop a telephone pole.  I keep a bag of roasted, unsalted peanuts in the car so that if we see any crows while we’re out, I

(image courtesy Jayne, nature 55)

Tossing Nuts Out the Window (Making Friends With Crows #11)

While driving my 11-year-old to her before-school chorus class, I spy a solitary crow atop a telephone pole.  I keep a bag of roasted, unsalted peanuts in the car so that if we see any crows while we’re out, I

swamp creature

The Big, Easy Surrender (the Thing About New Orleans)

I am a Northern Californian.  Berkeley is in my bones.  I like fecund, overgrown gardens and fog slinking under the Golden Gate.  I like funky cafes, musty bookstores, and trails under redwood trees.  I like people who care enough to

swamp creature

The Big, Easy Surrender (the Thing About New Orleans)

I am a Northern Californian.  Berkeley is in my bones.  I like fecund, overgrown gardens and fog slinking under the Golden Gate.  I like funky cafes, musty bookstores, and trails under redwood trees.  I like people who care enough to