you should have seen me (chapter 18, part 1)

(photo thanks to Stefano Mazzoni)

 “He knew I was somebody, but he couldn’t pin it down.” 

Wayne and Drew are in the Lilien’s vast fluffy bed.  Wayne leans against her shoulder and says, “He kept ogling me when he thought I wasn’t looking and he bought all the drinks.”

Drew fiddles with the remote.  She is pale and thin with her hair hanging loose and her eyes smudged with makeup.  But even in a man’s undershirt and boxers, she’s glowing with some secret rapture she hasn’t shared with him.  He rests his head heavy on her shoulder like a cat nudging for a pet.  “You have to admit it does have a ring to it:  Truman Faulkner.  Moody and brooding, with little epiphanies of wit.  And I played it perfectly.  I even wore cufflinks.  You should have seen me.” 

But when you know somebody, you don’t have to look anymore.   The shape of familiar faces stays fixed in the mind so the eyes are free to focus on novelties.  Without glancing his way she tells him, “It’s going to catch up to you someday soon, you know.  You’ll walk into the room and there will be all the men you’ve every lied to.”

But a body gets hungry for eyes, a body yearns to bask in the spotlight of vision.  “I don’t lie.”  He wants to yell at her, shake her, demand to know what’s going on. He fluffs his pillows and flops back down.  “I play. It’s fantasy and it’s fun for everyone.”

A large portion of this chapter has been deleted.

To read more, contact me and we can discuss publication. (!)

anna@girlinthehat.com

*
Hmmmm. To me, this chapter feels like it’s not living up to its potential. What could it be, I wonder? Did you feel like something was missing?  

About these ads

About girl in the hat

aka Anna Fonté, writer of novels, short stories, personal essays, and bits about the neighborhood crows. The things I write want you to look at them.

5 comments

  1. I really am so smitten with your writing. “Wayne blooms and expands to fill his side of the bed.” Wish I’d thought of that.

    I haven’t read the chapters leading up to this, so obviously it’s like opening a book to the middle. A couple of the paragraphs may flow more smoothly if you replace some of the pronouns with proper nouns. (There’s whoopsie in the paragraph beginning “The kitchen’s a mess. . . ” Probably a fragment you meant to delete. I’m glad someone else does that!)

    I hope I get to read this someday.

    • You’re so right about those edits. Since I don’t have a writing group, I’m so grateful when people notice things that need attention in my writing– invaluable external reality check. Smitten is such a good word. I, too, am smitten with your writing.

  2. I don’t know, Anna. (I’m sorry that I’ve been lax in catching up with your chapters up to now– life has been kicking me hard in the past weeks, and I received a rogue admonishment that I should be posting more.)

    I don’t see anything glaring here. It read smoothly and I could identify with both characters feelings: Drew (smitten, or obsessed) feeling that visceral need to understand what Mae Beacon is doing, and how– Wayne wanting to spend time being reflected back to himself, in the eyes of his friend. He wants it so much, that he momentarily thinks of retaliation for not getting it. His immediate shame shows that he has real feeling for his friend. I think we are all so glad that no one knows when that happens inside us. It may just be me, but that moment stood out. (So did the one where he wiped his hand on the bedspread! She’s never going to get that stain out!) I like how this one ends.

    • It is so hard to keep up with posting, isn’t it? My kids are home for summer vacation and every moment spent on the computer is a moment I ignored one of my children. (!! yikes!) I guess I’ve been told that the second part of my novel needs work but I don’t know what work. Just me grasping at straws. I’m glad it worked for you! (And feel free not to pull any punches if I lose you at any point!) I’m so grateful that you take the time. Really.

  3. I – didden’t see anything wroung with this, you
    are back on the track of the fun stuff after that
    prior visit with Lang. I will be honest, I would not
    be reading this if I wasen’t entertained. I don’t
    know about other people, but my interest in a
    character is at first tied to what they are currently
    doing. I had to force myself to follow Drew because
    she was a writer. I envision such people as dull.
    My own obsession with writing stems from a life
    that just isen’t exotic enough to hold my interest,
    if a character writes, I assume it is because the
    world they live in isen’t fun enough for them, and
    I wonder if it will be fun enough for me.

    Also, perhaps we are opposites, but I like peering
    deep into a character, only after I am given some
    evidence that they are worth peering into – perhaps
    this is why these character excursions are starting
    to make sence – especially when they describe a
    character I am eagerly following. If this was my work
    I would save the deeper delving untill after my reader
    had become invested, as going on about a person’s
    feelings has made me drop many a book. I guess I
    like action – but am not above a little soul searching
    once I’ve gotten to know them.

    This reffers mainly to the prior two chapters – as
    for this one – watching the movie and dissgussing
    the actor had me jumping up and down in antisipation
    Mae is the most interesting character in your story,
    (to me) perhaps because you have made an exception
    and chose not to disguss her in vivid detail – choosing
    not to talk about a character often creates a mystery
    about them – a characters personal info is always
    sweeter to me when it’s hard to get – I’m like a
    popratizi – following the trial –

    PS – it seems that you have the makeings of a book
    here . . . once this is finished you should at least have
    a chunk of amber with a good read trapped inside. Use
    everything you feel is good, then all you will have to do
    is trim it, I feel it has already been shaped.

    2&4&12B 9 18A 14B 12A 7&16A&16B 14A 15A&15B
    11 3B 3A 13 6 10 8&17A&17B&5&1

talk to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,378 other followers

%d bloggers like this: